


Three Times When Ryan Had No Idea What He Was Doing.... And One Time He Did.

by TacoCat2020



Category: Olympics RPF, Swimming RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-13 01:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5688985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TacoCat2020/pseuds/TacoCat2020
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan first met Michael before the Olympics in Athens.  It took both of them a while to figure things out, but with a little help from their friends who couldn't help but to but in, they finally figured out what they wanted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 - Athens

Ryan reached up and ran his hand through his too long curls. He watched Michael warm up. He had gotten to know Michael at training camp, and had developed a little bit of a crush on him.

Michael had been nice to him, showed him the ropes, and made him feel welcome. Michael was the more experienced of the two of them, having already been to the Olympics, but there was a shyness and uncertainty about him.

People always teased Ryan and called him dumb, but he was a very perceptive person. He had a sixth sense for other people’s feelings. He could tell that there was something different about Michael. Michael was a talented athlete, and seemed confident in the water. Outside of the water, was a different story. He seemed lost and lonely. Ryan decided to make it his mission to pull Michael out of his shell.

Michael blew everyone away with his accomplishments in the water. Ryan and Klete were heading out to celebrate after their relay, and Ryan wanted to bring Michael along.

“He’s not gonna come”, Klete said. “He never wants to hang out with us.”

“He’s just shy”, Ryan said. “Let’s invite him.”

Klete shrugged. “If you want”, he said. “Try it, but I’m telling you, he won’t come.”

Ryan went back to the room that he was sharing with Michael. “Hey man”, Ryan said.

Michael smiled. “Hey Ry”, he said quietly.

“Klete and I are gonna go get some drinks to celebrate”, Ryan said with a big smile. “You should come. You’re the star, after all.”

“I don’t drink”, Michael said.

“So come hang out”, Ryan said. “You don’t have to drink if you don’t want to, but at least come celebrate with us!”

Michael shrugged. “Thanks, Ry”, he said. “I’m just gonna stay here. I’m tired. I have to start training for Beijing.”

Ryan laughed. “Athens isn’t even over yet!”, he exclaimed. “Come on, man. Come hang with us!”

“Okay”, Michael said, finally. “Just let me get dressed and I’ll come.”

“Great!”, Ryan said. “Aww, man. This is gonna be fun!”

Michael, Ryan, and Klete went to find a bar. They took turns taking shots, Michael drinking the most of everyone.

“I thought you said you don’t drink”, Ryan said with a smirk.

“Celebrating”, Michael slurred.

They walked back to the village, Klete and Ryan trying to hold Michael up. When they got back to their rooms, Klete went to his room, and Michael and Ryan went into theirs.

“Feeling okay?”, Ryan asked.

Michael put his hands on Ryan’s shoulders. “There are three of you”, he said.

Ryan laughed. “That’ll pass”, he said. “Drink some water. You’ll feel better.”

“Can I kiss you?”, Michael slurred.

Ryan paused. “Is that what you want?”, he asked. “because you’re really drunk right now, and I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret.”

Michael replied by vomiting all over Ryan’s shoes.

Ryan made a face, then laughed. “Here”, he said. “I’ll help you get changed and we’ll get you to bed.”

Ryan helped Michael out of his clothes. “Don’t look!”, Michael warned.

Ryan laughed. “Not gonna look”, he promised. “Just gonna help you get dressed.”

Ryan got Michael into his shorts and t-shirt and helped him over to the bed. “Thanks Ry”, Michael slurred. “You’re really nice.”

“I am”, Ryan agreed. “I’m gonna get you some water. Are you going to puke again?”

“Nah”, Michael said. “All better.”

“You’re funny when you’re drunk”, Ryan said. “You’re more talkative.”

“You’re…. really hot when I’m drunk”, Michael replied.

“Only when you’re drunk?”, Ryan asked, pretending to be offended, as he sat down on the bed next to Michael.

“You’re always hot”, Michael replied. “If your face would stop moving, I’d kiss it.”

Ryan laughed. He gently touched Michael’s face. “I really like you, Mike”, he said. “But I don’t want anything to happen between us when you’re in this…condition.”

Michael laughed. “I like you”, he said, with more clarity than he had shown since before the shots.

Ryan didn’t move his hand from Michael’s face. “I like you too”, he said. “And I want to kiss you, but I only want to do it if that’s what you really want”, he said.

Michael nodded and sat up. He leaned in and tried to kiss Ryan, but missed.

Ryan laughed. “You got my eye”, he said. “Try again?”

Michael laughed. “Stop moving”, he whined.

“I’m staying perfectly still”, Ryan protested. “Your vision is blurry.”

Michael leaned in and kissed Ryan again. Ryan deepened the kiss, and Michael pushed him down onto the bed. “You’re really hot”, he said again.

Ryan laughed. “I hope you still feel that way in the morning”, he said, even though he was worried that it wasn’t likely.

Ryan and Michael spent the rest of the night making out, and in the morning, Michael was gone.


	2. Chapter 2  - Beijing

After everything that had happened in Athens, things didn’t really change between Michael and Ryan. They snuck glances at each other at meets, but they hadn’t discussed what had happened on that last night in Athens. Their mutual friends knew that something was up, but no one wanted to bring it up.

On the flight to Beijing, Ryan convinced himself that this would be the time when he’d finally make it happen. 

He knew that Michael was preoccupied. Michael was trying for eight gold medals, a feat never before reached by anyone. If he managed to do it, he would go down in history as one of the greatest swimmers of all time, if not _the_ greatest.

Ryan was proud of his friend, but… well, he wished that Michael would get out of his own head for once and pay attention to his friends. He had also been spending a lot of time outside of the pool with Australian swimmer, Stephanie Rice.

“So… you and Steph?”, Ryan blurted out against his judgement one night when a bunch of athletes were partying in a random room in the village.

Michael shrugged. “What about her?”, he asked.

“You’ve been spending a lot of time together”, Ryan said.

“So what?”, Michael said as he took a long swig of his beer. “We’re friends.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Friends, huh?”, he asked. “Looked like more than that.”

“Why do you care?”, Michael asked. “Friends kiss sometimes.”

“What?”, Ryan asked. “That’s… no.”

Michael scowled. “It’s not a big deal, Ry”, he said. “Don’t be such a prude.”

Ryan’s mouth dropped open. He stared at Michael for a moment. “I think I liked you better when you were shy and awkward”, he said after a while.

Michael looked at Ryan for a long time before he spoke. He opened his mouth, then closed it again. He sighed. “I’m going to Steph’s room”, he said.

Michael got up and left the room without turning around again. Ryan stayed rooted to his spot, looking at the closed door. Jason came over to join him. “Sup, Ry?”. he asked.

Ryan shrugged. “Mike”, he said. “Steph. Ugh.”

Jason laughed. “Is someone letting their personal feelings about someone get to them?”, he asked.

“What?”, Ryan asked. “No.”

Jason smiled. “I just know that you and Mike…”, he began.

Ryan shook his head. “It’s nothing”, he said.

The next night, Michael won his eighth gold medal. He pushed through the crowd to get to his family. Ryan watched them and smiled. He loved the Phelps family. He smiled when he saw Debbie gather her son into her arms and kiss the top of his head. What a moment. There didn’t seem to be a dry eye in the water cube that night.

Afterwards, some of the swimmers were celebrating in the village. Ryan didn’t know what he was doing, but he saw a moment and he took it. He went over to Michael, who was downing his third drink of the night. Ryan had been drinking too, and maybe that’s part of the reason he acted so impulsively. He congratulated Michael on his achievement, then grabbed him and kissed him.

Michael pulled away, then looked at Ryan questioningly. “Huh?’, he asked.

Ryan shrugged. “Friends kiss sometimes”, he said, throwing Michael’s words back at him. He leaned in and kissed him again.

“What are you doing, Ry?”, Michael asked. He didn’t sound mad. Shocked, maybe, but not mad.

Ryan pulled away, embarrassed. “I… don’t know”, he admitted. “Sorry…”

After that, they didn’t talk as much. They were still friends, but things just weren't the same between them anymore. They saw each other at meets, but Michael always seemed to be in his own little bubble whenever Ryan, or anyone, tried to talk to him. Ryan could tell that something was different. Michael wasn’t swimming as well as he usually did, and seemed like he was headed down a destructive path. Ryan tried to bring it up a few times, but Michael always brushed him off. Ryan heard some things through mutual friends, and just… he hoped that Michael was okay. As London approached, he hoped that this time would be different. He hoped that this would be the time when he and Michael could re-connect, and figure out what was going on between the two of them.


	3. Chapter 3 - London

After a practice session with Gregg, Ryan had spent the afternoon wandering around the Athlete’s Village. He greeted everyone he passed with a smile, a fist bump, and a “Jeah!”

He hadn’t seen Michael yet, and he was nervous. The last time he and Michael had spoken was after they spent the night together at Olympic Trials a couple months earlier.

Ryan’s stomach was doing backflips. He had no idea what to expect. No one knew what had happened between them at Trials, well no one except the two of them.

It was good. They both wanted it, right? Ryan knew that he had wanted it. Michael - well, he couldn't be sure _what_ Michael wanted. Michael made him feel things that he had never felt before. When he thought about Michael, he could feel the smile forming on his lips and making his cheeks hurt. Michael made him giggle like a teenage girl. Twenty-eight year old guys didn’t talk about that shit though, so he tried to keep his mouth shut. For Ryan, the guy who didn’t know a stranger, keeping his mouth shut was no easy task.

Still, he thought that his feelings for Michael were mutual. He thought that maybe this was their chance to really be together. Michael would be retiring and wouldn't be in the spotlight anymore. Maybe that’s why Ryan was so surprised to see Megan show up.

Ryan was trying to be understanding about the fact that Michael wasn’t ready for the wold to know who he really was. he knew that Michael had struggled a lot when he was younger, and maybe he was worried about the bullying continuing into his adult life. If Ryan were honest, he was annoyed. He was annoyed because Michael pretended that he didn’t exist whenever he had some model on his arm. He knew that Michael didn’t really care about these girls, but that he felt like he had to keep up appearances that a young, hot athlete had no trouble attracting models who in Ryan’s opinion, weren't even that pretty.

Still, Ryan tried to be friendly when Michael introduced her to him and some of the other guys. Matt and Conor sensed Ryan’s discomfort and forced him to talk about it later that night.

“Start talkin’, Dude”, Conor said. “What’s up with you and Mike?”

“Nothin’”, Ryan said.

Conor rolled his eyes. “Bro”, he said. “Come on.”

Ryan let out a heavy sigh. “Okay”, he began. “Mike and I have been hookin’ up at meets and stuff. Like, it’s more than a hookup though. I like him and I thought we could finally be together now that he’s retiring. Maybe he’d stop freaking out about what the public thinks and and just admit how he feels.”

Conor laughed. “Mike admitting how he feels?”, he repeated.

Ryan made a face. “Wishful thinking, huh?”, he asked.

“Did you tell him how you feel?”, Conor asked. “Cause Phelps is oblivious. You have to spell it out for him. Directly ask for what you want. That’s the only way you’ll get through to him,”

***

Ryan caught up to Michael later that afternoon. Ryan saw him and Allie were walking back to the village. “Hey Allie!”, he greeted her with a hug.

“Ryan!”, she exclaimed. Then she glanced over at Michael. “Well… I’m going to get going. I’m sure you two have some catching up to do.”

Michael nodded and wrapped Allison in a hug. “Bye Allie”, he said.

“Mike”, Ryan said.

“Ryan”, Michael said.

“So…”, Ryan began. 

“Excited for the week?”, Michael asked. “I can’t believe my career is almost over. It’s kinda bittersweet, you know? It’ll be awesome to be done, but there’s stuff I’ll miss…”

“What’s up with the blonde?” Ryan interrupted.

“Megan”, Michael said. “I introduced her to you guys the other day.”

“Yeah I know, dude”, Ryan said. “I meant… what’s up with her? Are you two, like, together? ‘Cause I thought…”

“I met her through my buddy Jeff”, Michael said. “Hot, huh?”

“Eh”, Ryan replied.

“Things are just getting started, but I like her. She’s a lot of fun”, Michael said. “She likes to party, and the sex is…”

“Oh”, Ryan said, not wanting to hear where that sentence was going. “What about us?”

“What about us?”, Michael repeated.

Ryan looked down at his feet. “Yeah”, he said. “Like, I thought…”

The confused look was still on Michael’s face. “It was just sex, Ry”, he said.

“It was more than that and you know it”, Ryan said.

Michael could barely look Ryan in the eye. “Sex is whatever”, he said. “People fuck at meets all the time.”

“But…”, Ryan began.

Michael shrugged. “See ya, Ry”, he said and walked away.

“Yeah, see ya”, Ryan replied, but it was too late. Michael was already gone.

So, that’s how Ryan found himself complaining to Allison in the cafeteria later that night. “Sorry, Al”, he said. “I’m actin’ like a teenage girl or some shit.”

Allison laughed. “It’s fine, Ry”, she said. “Mike is my best friend, but he can be a huge jerk. I love him, but he just doesn’t think sometimes.””

Ryan nodded. “It just hurts, is all”, he said.

“Oh for sure”, Allison said.

“So why’d he bring the model anyway?”, Ryan asked.

Allison rolled her eyes. “Megan”, she said, spitting out the model’s name as if she had something foul in her mouth. “It’s all for show. It’s stupid.”

“So it’s a PR thing?”, Ryan asked.

“Nah”, Allison said. “She thinks being around him will get her noticed. She’s just using him. When he retires after the games, she’ll be gone in a heartbeat.”

“So he doesn’t really like her?”, Michael asked.

Allison shrugged. “He likes sex”, she said. “You know how Mike is.”

Ryan nodded. “Yup”, he said.

Allison sighed. “Look”, she said. “Not that he deserves to be defended, but… just be patient. he likes you, okay? I know he does. He’s just a wimp.”

Ryan laughed. “Okay”, he said. “Thanks Allie.”

Allison smiled. “No prob, Ry”, she replied.

***

The rest of the week went on. Ryan didn’t talk much to Michael. They hugged after races and all, but that was about it. The media fawned over Megan, wondering who this new girl on Michael’s arm was. Ryan’s patience was wearing thin. He pretended that everything was fine. He posed with Michael on the medal stand and teased him about his sweatpants falling off. He cheered when Michael received the trophy from FINA for becoming the most decorated olympian of all time. he had accepted the fact that he and Michael were just going to be acquaintances who used to swim together.

On the bus ride back to the Village on the final night, Michael sat with Allison. They were sitting with their heads close together, sharing Michael’s headphones. Ryan and Conor were sitting behind them.

“So, Blondie left”, Conor whispered. “Just so you know.”

“Really?”, Ryan asked. “Guess that explains why she wasn’t in the stands with Mike’s mom tonight.”

Conor nodded. “Yup”, he said. “So that’s over. Thank fucking God.”

“Oh”, Ryan said. “Too bad.”

Conor laughed. “Too bad for her”, he said. “ _Good_ for you.”

Ryan shook his head. “I can’t”, he said.

When the bus got back to the Village, Michael went with Allie to her room. Ryan went to his own room. He was trying to fall asleep when he heard a knock at his door.

“Come in”, he called from his spot on the bed.

The door opened, and Michael walked in. “Hey Ry”, he said quietly.

“Hey Mike”, Ryan said.

Michael walked into the room and sat on the edge of Ryan’s bed. His sweatpants were riding low, displaying the tops of his tattoos, and Ryan had to restrain himself from reaching out and grabbing his hips.

“Look”, Michael began. “Sorry ‘bout what I said a few days ago.”

Ryan shrugged. “S’ok”, he said.

Michael shook his head. “No” he said. “I was a jerk and you didn’t deserve that.”

Ryan sat up and faced Michael. “You’re not a jerk, Mike”, he said. “What you said hurt, but you’re not a jerk.”

A small smile formed at Michael’s lips. “Thanks, Ry”, he said. “I really am sorry. I don’t ever want to hurt you.”

Ryan shrugged. “It’s fine”, he said. “Why’d you come in here?”

Michael shifted awkwardly. His hands were bouncing up and down. Ryan wanted to grab them to steady them. He knew Michael well enough to know that his hands always shook when he was nervous. “I like you, Ry”, he said. “But I’m not ready for the world to know ‘bout me.”

“You’re retired now”, Ryan said. “Who cares what people think?”

“Lotsa people”, Michael said. “Feels like I’m always being watched an’ stuff.”

Ryan didn’t know what to do. How could he make Michael understand that their relationship didn’t concern anyone else but the two of them?


	4. Chapter 4 - Fall 2014: When Ryan Knew.

Ryan had been sitting on Michael’s front steps for a while.

He pulled his phone out of the front pocket of his hoodie and checked the time again. He’s surprised to note that only three minutes have passed since the last time he checked.

The sun slips behind the clouds again and the wind picks up. Ryan shivers and wishes for about the hundredth time that afternoon that he had packed warmer clothes. For some reason he always forgets that his Florida blood isn’t quite used to late November in Baltimore.

He checks his phone again. Another two minutes gone. He waits. He wonders if maybe he got the time wrong. Maybe Michael’s flight was delayed. He answers texts from his mom, his brother, his coach, and Cammile. 

The sun appears again, momentarily warming up the tree lined street. Ryan waits.

He’s not sure how much more time passes, but finally he sees Debbie’s black BMW come around the corner and pull up in front of the town house.

Debbie gets out of the car and opens the trunk. She looks up and squints in the afternoon sun. She smiles when she sees Ryan.

The passenger door opens, and two denim-clad legs swing out. Michael gets out of the car and pushes his sunglasses up on his head and into his messy hair. His lanky frame is swallowed up by an oversized purple Ravens hoodie with the sleeves rolled up. He hasn’t shaved in a while. He looks tanner and maybe a little thinner, but most importantly, he looks like Mike.

Michael walks around to the back of the car and helps his mother with the rest of the luggage. They wheel the suitcases up to the house, and that’s when Michael noticed Ryan sitting there, smiling up at him.

Debbie reaches down and squeezes Ryan’s shoulder. She gently touches Michael’s arm before unlocking the door and going inside.

Michael’s face is unreadable, and Ryan still can’t bring himself to say anything. 

Michael looks at him. There’s something in his eyes that Ryan can’t figure out. “How did you…”, he starts to ask.

“Allie”, Ryan said.

“Ah”, Michael said.

Allison had talked to Michael almost every day during his time away. She kept Ryan updated and told him when Michael would be coming home. Ryan arranged to take some time off from training, and flew up to Baltimore to welcome him home.

“S’ok that I’m here?”, Ryan asks quietly.

A small smile forms at Michael’s lips and he nods. “Yeah”, he said. “Yeah. Of course.”

“Are you going to let me in?”, Ryan asks with a wide grin.

Michael seems to relax a little bit. The tension seems to leave his shoulders. He adjusts his jeans as they slip off of his waist. “Yeah”, he says with a smile. “Come on in.”

Ryan smiles back and follows Michael into the house. Debbie is in the kitchen, already preparing lunch.

“Smells good, Mama”, Michael says as he wraps his arms around her.

Debbie hugs him back and squeezes his arm. “Spaghetti with chicken and garlic bread”, she said. “You hungry, sweetie?”

Michael nodded. “Starving”, he said. “Thank you, Debs”

“Good”, Debbie said. “Ryan, dear. I hope you’ll join us for lunch.”

Ryan grinned. “I’d like that, Debbie”, he said. “Thank you.”

Debbie and Ryan conversed easily while Michael quietly ate his lunch. Debbie asked him how his training was going and about his family in Florida. Debbie talked about her grandchildren and about some events happening with the students at her school.

Debbie turned to look at Michael, who was finishing his second helping of spaghetti, but still hadn’t said much. “Michael, are you okay?”, she asked.

Michael smiled. “I’m fine, Mom”, he said. “Just tired. Long flight.”

Debbie nodded and squeezed his arm again. “I love you, Baby.”

Michael swallowed. He leaned over to kiss her on the cheek. “I love you too”, he said. “I’m so, so sorry, Mom.”

Debbie ran her hand up and down his back. “It’s okay, sweetie”, she said. “You’re okay.”

Michael nodded and hugged her tightly, as if he were afraid to let go. He squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. 

Debbie hugged him tighter. “I love you, sweet boy, and I’m so happy to have you home.”

“It’s good to be home”, Michael replied.

Debbie stood up and began bustling around the kitchen and cleaning up. “As soon as I finish up here, I’l get out of your hair”, she said with a wink. “I’m sure you boys have a lot to talk about.”

“Mom”, Michael began.

“You know what I mean, Michael Fred”, Debbie said, smirking at him.

Michael laughed. “I was going to say that I’ll clean up”, he said.

Debbie’s face lit up. “That’s not what I thought you were going to say at all!”, she exclaimed.

Ryan laughed. “Thank you for lunch, Debbie”, he said. “I’ll help Mike clean up.”

Debbie hugged Ryan. “You boys are so sweet”, she said. Then she lowered her voice to a whisper. “Take care of my baby, okay Ryan?”

Ryan nodded. “Of course, Debbie”, he said.

Debbie turned to Michael. “I love you honey”, she said. “You and Ryan have a nice evening, okay?”

After Debbie left, Michael loaded the dishwasher ad wiped down the counter and the the stove. Ryan put away the leftovers and even swept the floor.

“You’re so domestic”, Michael said as he watched him.

Ryan laughed. “My mama raised me right”, he said.

“My mama… tried”, Michael said.

“She did good”, Ryan said gently.

“Why’re you here Ry?”, Michael asked

“I missed you”, Ryan said quietly.

Michael nodded. “I missed you too”, he said.

“I was also hoping that we could talk, maybe?”, Ryan said

Michael nodded. “Okay”, he said. “We could take a walk and get some coffee.”

“Cool”, Ryan said.

“Did you pack anything warmer?”, Michael asked. “It’s getting colder out there.”

“Just sweatshirts”, Ryan replied. “I forgot how cold it would be.”

Michael laughed. “I’ll grab you a jacket”, he said.

“I’m not wearing any Ravens stuff”, Ryan warned.

Michael laughed again. “You’re missing out”, he said as he handed Ryan a charcoal grey coat.

Ryan put it on and buttoned it up. “Little small”, he said. “You’re so skinny, dude.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “It looks good on you”, he said.

“What are you going to wear?”, Ryan asked. “I don’t want to take your nice coat.”

Michael shook his head. “It’s fine, dude”, he said. “I have other jackets.”

Once they were both bundled up against the cold, the walked outside.

“Coffee?”, Michael asked.

“Lead the way”, Ryan replied.

Michael led Ryan down O’Donnell Street in Canton. “There’s a place I like over here”, he said, pointing down the street.

“Cool”, Ryan said.

“They have an out of this world Chai Latte”, Michael said. “It’s like a snickerdoodle cookie in liquid form.”

Ryan’s eyes grew wide. “Yummy”, he said.

Michael patted his stomach. “Can’t have ‘em all the time though”, he said. “Gotta watch the figure.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Right, because you’re so huge”, he said, punching Michael on the shoulder.

“Hey!”, Michael protested.

Ryan laughed. “Relax dude”, he said. “I was teasing. You look great.”

Michael led Ryan into the coffee shop, an old firehouse that had been converted.

“Hi Sandy”, Michael said to the middle-aged woman behind the counter.

“Michael!”, she exclaimed, reaching over the counter to squeeze his arm. “How are you, sweetie?”

Michael swallowed and forced himself to smile. “I’m good, Sandy”, he said. “I’m really good.”

“Have you been home long?”, she asked.

Michael shook his head. “Just got in this morning”, he said.

“It’s so good to see you”, she said warmly. “You look happy and healthy.”

“I have a long way to go, but I’m closer than I was yesterday”, Michael replied.

“Good”, Sandy said. “Baby steps.”

“Oh”, Michael said. “Sandy, this is my - this is Ryan.”

Ryan smiled. “It’s nice to meet you”, he said.

“I know who Ryan is”, Sandy said, with a smile. “And, any friend of Michael’s is a friend of mine.”

“Sandy makes the best lattes”, Michael said.

Sandy nodded knowingly. “He’s right”, she said with a nod.

“I hear your chai lattes are great”, Ryan said. “I’ll have one of those… and whatever Mike is having. It’s on me.”

Michael smiled. “I’ll have one too”, he said. “I should behave, since I’m getting right back into training, but that can wait until tomorrow.”

Sandy laughed. “You look wonderful, honey”, she said. “You deserve to treat yourself.”

“Thanks, Sandy”, Michael said as he took a sip of his latte. “Mmmm. Perfect as always.”

Ryan took a sip of his and his whole face lit up. “Yummy”, he said.

“Good, right?” Michael asked.

Ryan nodded. “Amazing”, he said. “This tastes exactly like a snickerdoodle.”

Michael went to go find a seat, and Ryan stayed behind, happily taking selfies with some of the staff and customers. Then he went to join Michael at a table by the window.

“I like this place”, Ryan said.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?”, Michael agreed as he glanced out the window.

“How are you doing?”, Ryan asked him.

Michael forced himself to smile. “Great”, he said.

“No. Really”, Ryan pressed.

“Fine. Okay”, Michael said.

Ryan looked at him carefully. “Mike”, he said.

“What?”, Michael asked.

“You went from good to fine to okay in a matter of seconds”, Ryan said. “So…”

“What do you want me to say?”, Michael exploded. 

“Just be _honest_ ”, Ryan said.

Michael swallowed. His eyes were moist. “You want to know how I feel?”, he asked. “I don’t have an answer for you. Do I feel better than I did a few months ago? Well, yeah. I spent the past six weeks talking about my fucking feelings and crying. I figured out what some of the issues are and what I need to do to solve them. I met some nice people. I felt safe there. Now that I’m home, the uncertainty is back. I let a lot of people down. I hurt people that I love _so much_. So you want to know how I _feel_? I don't have a fucking clue, Ry. I don’t know what I’m _doing_. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing and it scares the hell out of me.

Ryan was watching Michael carefully. He didn’t know what to say. “Mike”, he said gently.

“What?”, Michael asked softly. He didn’t look up. He was focused on picking at the cardboard holder on his cup.

“Mike”, Ryan said again. “It’s okay to not know. You’re smart and strong and you’ll figure it out. you just need to give yourself time to adjust to being home.”

Michael nodded. “Yeah”, he said. “That was very wise. I’m impressed.”

Ryan laughed. “I’m pretty brilliant”, he said.

“Mmm Hmm”, Michael said.

“What?”, Ryan asked. “I am.”

“Sure”, Michael said. “Do you want to head back?”

Ryan nodded. “Okay”, he said.

They both stood up and bundled back up into their layers. Then they started the walk back to Michael’s house. Ryan felt an urge to grab Michael’s hand. He tried to resist it because he was having trouble reading Michael’s signals. Ryan had come to Baltimore with the intention of telling Michael how he felt. He just had to wait for the right moment.

“You gonna stay at my place?”, Michael asked.

Ryan nodded. “If you want me to”, he said. “Or I can get a hotel.”

Michael shook his head. “I want you to stay”, he said.

“Cool”, Ryan said.

“Cool”, Michael repeated.

When they got back to Michael’s house, they took off their coats and left them in the hall. Then they went into the living room. Michael flopped down on the couch. Ryan sat down next to him.

Michael’s jeans had slipped down again, and his t-shirt was riding up, displaying the pale skin of his hard stomach. Ryan couldn’t stop staring at it. He couldn’t help himself. He reached over and poked Michael’s waist.

Michael giggled. “Tickles”, he said.

Ryan laughed and tickled Michael some more. Michael giggled again and let out a high-pitched squeal, which only made Ryan laugh harder. Michael laughed too and grabbed Ryan’s hands. When their laughter subsided a bit, Ryan leaned over and kissed Michael. Michael paused before giving in and deepening the kiss. 

Ryan’s hand went up Michael’s shirt. He held onto Michael with his palm resting protectively on Michael’s back, and his thumb on Michael’s hip. “Hot”, he whispered.

Michael pressed his forehead against Ryan’s. His hand was on the back of Ryan’s head. He tugged at Ryan’s hair and made a few incomprehensible noises. “Ry”, he whispered.

Ryan continued to rub Michael’s hip bone. “Yeah?”, he asked.

“Do you want some dinner?”, Michael asked.

“Sure”, Ryan said.

Michael called his favorite sub shop and ordered some food for them to share. When the food arrived, they ate it in the living room while watching a movie.

When they finished eating, they went into the kitchen to throw away their trash. Then they went back into the living room. Ryan sat on the couch, and Michael laid down next to him. He rested his head on Ryan’s lap, and Ryan ran his fingers through Michael’s too-long hair.  
“Your hair is getting long”, Ryan said. “and your beard is ridiculous.”

Michael laughed softly. “Yeah” he said. “Need to take care of that.”

“Yeah you do”, Ryan agreed.

They were quiet for a while after that. Michael stayed curled up on the couch. Ryan left his hand on Michael’s back and held him protectively as if he were afraid that Michael would disappear if he let go. Michael’s breath slowed down as he fell asleep.

Ryan let him stay that way for a while, until his legs started to feel numb. “Mike”, he whispered.

Michael stirred. “Mmmm?”, he asked sleepily.

“My leg is asleep”, Ryan said softly.

“Okay”, Michael said distractedly, before falling asleep again.

“Damn it”, Ryan mumbled to himself, but he had to laugh. Michael looked so peaceful and he didn't want to disturb him.

After a while, Ryan started to feel tired. He carefully moved Michael out of the way so he could stand up. The movement woke him.

“What time is it?”, Michael asked sleepily.

Ryan squinted to look at the clock on the cable box. “Like, ten”, he said.

“Okay”, Michael said as he yawned.

“I’m gonna go to bed”, Ryan said.

“Okay”, Michael said.

“You staying in here?”, Ryan asked.

Michael nodded. He pulled down the blanket from the back of the couch and wrapped it around himself. “Comfy”, he said. “and I don't wanna move.”

Ryan laughed. “Okay”, he said.

“Unless you want to carry me?”, Michael asked hopefully.

Ryan laughed. “Not carrying your fat ass up the stairs”, he said.

“Not fat”, Michael mumbled.

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Kidding, Mike”, he said. “‘Course you’re not fat. You look great. Still not carrying you though.”

“Mean”, Michael mumbled.

“I’m not mean”, Ryan said with a laugh. “I’m delightful.”

Ryan went into the guest room and tried to get some sleep. He couldn't stop thinking about Michael. He knew what he had to do. He got out of bed and back out to the living room. The lights were off and Michael wasn’t on the couch anymore. Ryan went upstairs to see if maybe Michael had gone to bed. He carefully opened the door. The lights were off, but Michael was lying awake, staring at the ceiling.

“Hey”, Ryan said quietly.

“Ryan”, Michael said, just as quietly.

“Can I come in?”, Ryan asked and Michael nodded. 

“Why’re you here?”, Michael asked.

His voice sounded funny. His nose was clogged, and Ryan could tell that he had been crying.

“Sorry”, Ryan said. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“No”, Michael said. “I mean, why’re you in Baltimore?”

“To see you”, Ryan said. “I missed you while you were away and I wanted to welcome you home.”

Michael nodded. “Okay”, he said.

“I hope you’re not mad”, Ryan said.

“Not mad”, Michael said. “Just surprised.”

Ryan nodded. He walked over to the bed and knelt down next to it. “Okay”, he said. “I just… while you were gone, I talked to Allie a lot, and she said some things…”

“I’ll kill her”, Michael mumbled.

“She cares about you so much”, Ryan said. “And she told me that you might… have feelings for me.”

“Oh”, Michael said.

Ryan reached over and moved the blanket away from Michael’s face. He couldn’t read the expression on his face. “She right?”, he asked softly.

“Ry”, Michael began. 

“Is Allison right?”, Ryan asked again.

Michael reached up and scrubbed a hand along his face. “Yes”, he whispered.

Ryan smiled. “Yes?”, he repeated.

“Yes”, Michael said again. “Yes, Ryan. I think I’ve always had feelings for you, but I don’t know what the _fuck_ I’m doing.”

Ryan smiled. “There ain’t much I’m sure of, Mike”, he said. “but I’ve always been sure of you. We’ll figure it out. Night.”

Ryan stood up and turned to leave. Michael patted the bed. “Stay”, he said.

“Yeah?”, Ryan asked. 

“Yeah”, Michael said.

“Okay”, Ryan said. He climbed into bed next to Michael and pulled him close. “Love you, Mike”, he whispered.

“Love you too, Ry”, Michael replied. “Thanks for bein’ patient with me.”

“Take your time”, Ryan said. “We have all the time in the world.”


End file.
